Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
