Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
