i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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