Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
