Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
