a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
