I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
