I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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