Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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