i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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