A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize