I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
