franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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