I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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