She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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