I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
