Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
