i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
