I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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