Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
