Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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