I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
