Your face is a jimmy john
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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