6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
