from now on my penis is your penis
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
