sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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