Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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