Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
