Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
