Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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