i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
