Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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