Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I pour the whiskey from now on
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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