dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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