there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
