Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
