she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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