That's when you crack a 10am beer
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
