She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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