If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
