Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
