phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
