Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
