what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
