Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
