You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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