I hate your face
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
