Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
