I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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