For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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