You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
