Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
