she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
