So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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