living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
