So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
