this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
